Kindnessgirl’s Weblog

I am always nervous before I go for a sonogram. I find myself watching the discovery health shows the night before. I spend the rest of the evening convincing myself all will be well when they tell me I am in fact having a dwarf baby the next day. The weird part is, I do think I would be okay.

We sat in the waiting room with a wiggly Lucy requesting that we draw various animals on the back of crumbled up papers found in my bag. I laughed at Jorge’s attempts at a cow.

Renee never opens the waiting room door, she just calls my name in a loud bellow from the next room.

“I remember you, I did this pretty one right here right? That was a long time ago and you’re back again.” the big, lovely African- American woman says.

“He just keeps getting me in trouble, what can I say?”, I reply.

“Like you weren’t there?” she says with one eyebrow raised. I laugh.

“Yeah, thanks Renee.” Jorge agrees.

Lucy, Jorge and I file into the dark room. Lucy would prefer to lay on the table with me except I barely fit on the table myself. “Scoot over, there’s room for her.” the older woman persists. I give in because there is no crossing Renee or Lucy for that matter. They understand each other even though the last time they met was when Lucy was only a shadow on the screen above.

We all stare in amazement at how busy this baby is. Jorge’s goofy grin returns, it’s the one reserved for all things baby.

“My, my, look at that.” Renee says.

“Spill it Renee, we’re dyin’ here.” I say.

She makes us wait as she spells our news on the screen. Girl. I instantly feel a camaraderie with Lucy and her sister. We are the girls now, equal in number to the boys. It’s all too cheesily perfect. I never walk in with preferences and I always walk out feeling that things are exactly as they should be. Everyone is especially giddy today.

“Oh wow!” Jorge says. I smile.

“I’m hungry mama.” Lucy says. “Didn’t you bring her some snacks?” Renee asks.

“I know, I know, I was too excited, I forgot.” Renee ignores me in deep effort to get her measurements. This baby girl is not cooperating. She is way too busy to stay still for pictures. The minutes pass and I gently urge her to be kind to Renee.

“Oh, she’s not gonna do it, she has too much goin’ on girl.” Renee insists. My girl stops for a brief second and Renee gets the shot. “I guess she’s listenin’ to you.”

We laugh, tell a few more stories, and gather our things to leave.

“You have a good Mother’s Day now. ” she instructs as we leave.

“Do you have any babies of your own Renee?” I ask.

“No, just these babies here…” she says.

“Well, that’s lots of motherin’, so Happy Mother’s Day to you….”

It’s just that some woman carry the motherin’ for us all. They call us out, they listen and nod, laugh when we are being ridiculous, they remind us of truth within, they remember the place we are in, they bring peace to our chaos, they are constant.

All the mothers in the world, so divinely placed, we honor you. Please feel our love and know we would be a puddle on the ground with out you. Of course, you would tell us we would be just fine.

And we are, just knowing you are there, in dark sonogram rooms, grocery store aisles, next door, a phone call away…

Blessings on your head.

Could he be any dreamier?

I love in the spring and fall when you open all the windows and it feels like the outside is inside. The air flows almost as if there are no walls and your bed is in the middle of a field somewhere. Practically living in the park helps the whole experience. The house is just okay, no real charm, no rich soul in it. I guess it has left it all to the nature that surrounds us. The greedy person in me wishes for both.

As we are preparing to move to a new place in our city (yet again), I am soaking all the loveliness in while wondering what the next space holds. We crave change in our family, we get restless looking for the next place to explore. We are all like this, no one blinks an eye at the idea of packing up and moving on. This disturbs me just a tiny bit wondering if my children have any roots at all.

“Home is wherever we all are, it’s in us, not the place.” Jorge says. This makes perfect sense, for now anyway. The roots are deeper than I realized and growing all the time, leaving the ones of my origin, digging deeper into the soil of this family, unmovable yet willing to travel anywhere together…

This is my kitchen candle…if I have ever told you I would light a candle for you, this is the one. I stick little papers in the beads, they hold the prayers I sometimes can’t pray. To be honest, I couldn’t pray for a long time but I needed something. This candle has been a true friend, it has held the space for the feelings in my heart, the pain of others, the fear of the unknown, the truth, the hope that all will be well.

I lit it for a dear friend several weeks ago, I knew it was the last time. The wick went to the very end, it burnt out just a few minutes after she called to tell me everything was okay. I haven’t had the heart to replace it. It’s all so silly really, it’s just a candle but it saw my soul through many late nights and early mornings.

I don’t ever write about my kindness stories on this blog. I often feel they aren’t mine to tell. I don’t really do that much except hold a little space for sadness, hope, strength or just be in a moment. or maybe just light a candle…

It has been quiet lately in my work, I have been pulling inward to my own soul tending. Dear ones around me have noticed and dropped all sorts of loveliness on my door while I hibernate. It seems I have finally found the surface and shortly after I got a call this week in a timing that only the universe could know. This call definitely required a candle burning…it wasn’t nearly as hard as I had anticipated to say goodbye and let a new light shine.

Jorge and I have this little game, I keep lighting candles and he blows them out behind me as I would have them burning all night and when we are gone. I think he would prefer I don’t burn the house down. When I went to bed last night, he blew out the kitchen candle for me but I was so relieved to find the altar candle I had lit on the sly still burning this morning. This prayer just needed to burn through the night…this story,  well, we need a lot of candles burning. If the light calls to you like it does me, can you light one tonight?

the altar candle still burning…

is hearing your 2 year old sing The Beatles from her bedroom while she is playing.

“All you need is LOVE, all you need is LOVE, all you need is love, love, Love is all you need…”

i love this…

Jack: Wouldn’t it be great if we could draw ourselves and then erase it, then draw ourselves again?

That would be awesome! We could spend our whole lives chasing awesome!

My picture is scribbled and erased a million times over in my quest to chase awesome. I fear I love the eraser more than the pencil. I constantly look for tiny strokes out of place, working so hard to create the masterpiece in my mind. I get frustrated and sick of the art that is my life. I think, I strive, I try too hard.

This isn’t what my sage had in mind at all. Maybe it’s the idea that every day is wide open with possibilities, that awesome is right before us just waiting for us to draw her. What is in us to create today, what has been waiting to blow our minds, what does awesome look like tomorrow when the paper is brand new and white again?

This adventure of chasing awesome, I claim it today. My pencil is the prettiest one you have ever seen, and my picture, well, I can’t wait to see…

*feel free to share what awesome you are chasing today in the comments

I can’t stop listening to Jose Gonzalez. I’m not always sure what he is saying but it doesn’t matter. His songs have titles like Heartbeats and Sensing Owls, the sounds ring simple and true. His voice feels like security blanket of sorts and I am clinging to any and all comfort these days. Creamy foods, quiet music, candle light, my bed.

A return inward can reveal the ground beneath you, usually flat and firm. The dirt in between your toes reminding you of where you came and will someday return. Simply standing is not working for me. Nothing feels stable to me, instead I am on my knees, or lying with my ear to the ground, hoping that every part of me is connecting to mother earth.

I feel her close to my face and then kindness rains mixing with her earth, the truth and love. The place closest to the deepest and truest part of me is all around. Everything telling me I am alive, safe and well, maybe even better than ever before…

As if I need any more reasons to love the man….

Except he does refer to me as “the wife” on his blog. I’m not sure what to think about that one.

1. He beat me to the punch- I’ve been walking around declaring my love for Eddie Vedder a lot lately. Lucy and I have been listening to the Into the Wild soundtrack all week. The husband has the video for Eddie’s new song No More written for this movie.  Ellen Spiro’s bio alone makes me want to see the documentary film. She looks like someone I wish I could have over for dinner.

2. There wasn’t a birthday altar expressing our love and blessings, the bowling party was thrown together at the last minute, this was Josiah’s birthday…I think Jorge’s letter and the fact that we brought donuts instead of cupcakes to school saved the day.

2 things:

1. I think we could seriously have a problem with our addiction to Enchanted. We watch it (ALL of us) almost every day, even if it’s on for background loveliness. Jorge thought we should watch it after we watched a crappy movie, just to redeem our day.

I don’t thing we have ever had a collective addiction together. Who can blame us? You have to feel joy watching it…

2. I’m starting to think Jack should write a book. His 5 year old soul is so freaking connected right now. I think each of my kids has this superpower in a different way, actually we all do.

so here is the word from Jack today -

Josiah and Jack were lobbying to buy a new video game. They pooled their money together but Jack was carrying like 80% of the weight.

Me: “Jack are you sure you want to do this, this is ALL of your money? Are you sure this is what you want? (in my head- and you aren’t being convinced by your sometimes persuasive older brother?)

Josiah: (who makes me feel like a loser for my previous thought) Yeah Jack, it’s a lot of money, I don’t want you to give it all to that, maybe it’s too much.

Jack: Mom, mom, I don’t care about money mom, it’s about joy! That’s what people think about mom. ( i think he meant care, not think)

I do not know where he came from, seriously…

welcome yoshi’s island…bring your joy because it’s all about joy….

the title is for you old amy grant fans…

A sore throat, fever and a test of love kept us from our kindness adventures today. We had a grand day planned- guerrilla goodness and then we were off to celebrate Lucy Goode Brooks at a local event held in her honor.

Lucy was born into slavery to an African American woman and a white man who we don’t know much about. Lucy’s owner allowed her to marry another slave, Albert Brooks. She learned to read and soon taught Albert. This skill which was scarce among her peers and proved to be very valuable through out her life.

She tried desperately to keep her family together, so many families had been torn apart. She managed to keep 3 children with her and the others to places and people she knew. Her oldest daughter, Margaret Anne was sold after an owner changed his mind on a pledge he had made to Lucy. Her girl was gone to Tennessee, she was devastated. She later received word that Margaret had died.

The war ended, Albert was able to purchase their freedom from their owner. Lucy, the head of her sewing circle had an idea. She gathered her friends and approached the Quakers for help. She wanted to start an orphanage for slave children who had been displaced by slavery and war. This former slave and her friends convinced the city to deed her land in the JacksonWard area to care for those left and alone. The Friends’ Asylum for Colored Orphans was opened in 1872.

Although it has changed over time, this organization still operates today, 136 years later. The Friends Association serves the community by providing services and resources to families, a way to uncover all the potential inside, and a firm but loving guide to finding a healthy and successful path for over 4000.

I hold Lucy’s story very close to my heart. I picture her feisty and strong, an advocate during a time when she was not even considered or treated as a human being. I think of the partnership she must have had with Albert. Her struggle and resolve…Her strength has shown me that love will always find a way.

Love is an admirer of tenacity and a keeper of hope, it sees right through the dark all around, it is the place where truth and goodness meet. The struggle is sometimes great, which is the best time for love to prove herself. I have been called to hold this faith very close and very tight this weekend. Every time I start to lose my grip, love has pulled me tighter, reminding me of the strength and my TRUST in the way home…

you are my home

for j

to learn more about Lucy and the bracelet telling her story and honoring her life go to www.friendsassn.org

I love getting packages….brown paper packages tied up with string.

I could barely contain myself yesterday when the brown box was sitting on my front porch. I think my kids were more excited than I was….this is definitely a guerrilla goodness project to do with kids.

While my husband is out playing golf somewhere on Saturday ( he needs it desperately) we will be leaving magic wands all over our city with messages of encouragement and empowerment. Actually, this could go a million different ways but if you feel inspired to join, you can take it any way you wish…

here are a few messages we have so far…

YOU are Magic!

Be the Magic you want to see in the world.

Kindness is like Magic- practice some today.

Today is FULL of possibilities!

You have the power to change the world! (josiah’s idea)

You are powerful!

Jack’s vote is to start with the ice cream place to leave these little treasures. So here we go!!!!! If you decide you want to spread some magic, here is where we got the wands or send me your address(thekindnessgirl@gmaildotcom ) and I’ll send you a few to start your own guerrilla goodness adventure. We’ll post pictures on Monday…

p.s. we bought the good old school black and white wands too for the purists in the world…

Jack standing in front of the mirror this afternoon:

“Hi”!

“Is it you?”

“It is you!”

(in a whisper)”You are so handsome…”

“Thanks, you are too. “

I was dying, SO wishing I could have seen his face…He is his father’s son.

I have 2 modes of operating in pregnancy. Deny and Defy. I pretty much spend the first 12-20 weeks in complete disbelief that I am actually pregnant. I think for sure it won’t stick because I never get sick- horrible, I know, but its probably some deep seeded self protection from a long ago miscarriage.

When I decide I am in fact, well, pregnant, I then spend the rest of the time trying to defy it.

“Of course I can move the refrigerator, I’m pregnant, not dead.”

“Run a couple miles at 32 weeks, yeah, sure. Lift weights on the 6th day of the 39th week? totally.”

“Come on, the women in the fields had babies and kept on goin’? Why can’t I?”

“and yes, I will be wearing my bikini until the bitter end.”

It’s quite obvious I’ve been failing beautifully at pregnancy for quite some time now. I hear from Anne Lamott that all kinds of amazing things spring from failure. Everything seems different this time, the opportunity to claim a different way lies so clearly in front of me. My expertise in failure has primed me for a hopeful start to change.

Lessons learned so far:

1. Denial is sort of a joke on me…the connections are there far sooner than I ever imagined. It takes me one little scare to realize just how much I care and have all along. It’s okay to love too soon.

2. Pregnancy calls me to be very present in my body, in the moment, in the experience. Sometimes, this is (literally) a pain in the ass, but other moments it is almost sacred.

3. Vulnerability is my friend, not a foe. She makes us human and creates opportunities for nurture. Pride can make you miss out on acts of kindness and love you really need. Strength is not always something to be admired especially when it stands in the way of growth.

4 . Receiving is almost important as giving…it levels the playing field and requires that we all rely on each other.

5. It’s good to bask in “my delicate condition”- doors being opened for you, fuss over how you are feeling, rest, concern and care…these are to be welcomed and savored.

6. I need to stop saying- “I don’t have time to be pregnant!”- yes, there is time, more than enough time…my life will continue because I know no other way but this time, I am pregnant in that life. It sounds completely ridiculous but it all makes perfect sense to me.

Truth be told, every one is birthing/growing something. It’s happening all around. May the universe treat to you with all care and concern accordingly…

Ever so often I have this fantasy of running off to a hotel for a few days. In my head it’s 5 star, of course. I order an offensive amount of room service and lay around all day in the yummiest robe my skin can imagine. I lose the terry heaven only for massages and candle lit baths.

The Jefferson isn’t exactly in my budget these days but this can not keep me from practicing acts of kindness upon myself. A 3 star hotel courtesy of Priceline (at a third of the price) and Panera’s portabello/mozarella pannini does the trick for me.

My friends laugh- “You’re what? You’re in a hotel, by yourself, in our city?”

Yes! Gloriously, yes! 24 hours of silence, a dark and cool room, a ridiculously long hot shower, a large bed by myself, uninterrupted reading, listening only to my own needs…this is exactly what mothers of young children need.

Don’t have the money you say? One time after a particularly horrific night with Lucy I called a dear friend with a large house.

“Hey, I had the crappiest night with Luce. I desperately need a hotel night but I have no money. Can I come take a nap in your guest bed?”

This dear friend couldn’t be happier that I called. She picked up lunch for us, I took a 3 hour nap and she brought me tea when I woke up.

So my friends, here are some kind ideas for you:

Nature Escape (a low cost option):

Start with a long walk in your favorite nature spot. This is one of mine…

Find a nice spot and practice some form of creativity (draw, sing, knit, paint, etc) or just lay in the sun (rest, read)

Meet your favorite friend for lunch on a outdoor patio somewhere yummy…

Find a friend’s house you can retreat to for a nap, girlfriends without kids are best…or go home, I bet your mom will let you sleep in your old bed that is now the guest room. A nap in a lumpy bed is still inviting.

This retreat is great for mom’s who can’t be gone too long or have nursing babes…

Hibernating Heaven (a moderate cost option):

Book a hotel room in your favorite part of your city.

Download a few of your favorite movies or pick up some DVD’s to watch on your lap top.

Buy snacks, good chocolate, and silly magazines.

Bring your bathing suit just in case you want to take a dip in the hot tub.

Check-in as early as you can. Spend the afternoon napping and relaxing.

Invite a friend to join you at the hotel for a take-out/delivery dinner and watch a cheesy girl movie.

Take a soak in the tub/whirlpool and turn in early.

Order room service for breakfast, leisurely pack up and head back to the real world.

The Whole She-Bang (a lot of bananas):

Mix an experience w/ rest.

My sister swears by Portland, OR- this artsy, funky city has the best markets, dining and culture for the best get-a-way.

My heart, well actually stomach, adores Miami. Digging your feet in the sand, the best people watching and yummy dinners and mojitos at Versailles, you’ll never want to leave.

Immerse yourself in the biggest nature…the California Redwoods, The Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, any coast….nature is powerful and almost always good for the soul.

If all of this sounds completely out of your league- way more than you can give yourself at the moment or too frivolous for you, start small…a new book, good shampoo, a movie by yourself.

This requires effort and intention on our part and it always doubles our ability to extend kindness to others.

Leave your own suggestions of self love in the comments…it’s good to be kind.

Watching Gandhi and Enchanted in one weekend makes you believe you can save the world and your true love even with morning sickness…that and love and truth always win.

Whatever problem you have, I promise you the Sound of Music can fix it.

Feeling blue or scared? Just think of your favorite things.

Needing someone to take care of you? Are you feeling unable to face a world of men? Find someone 17 going on 18. no scratch that, just someone older and wiser.

Don’t quite fit in? It probably means it’s time to go climb every mountain, just forge every stream. Never give up on your dreams.

Feeling unsure of your self? Despite what you see, I have confidence in me. It’s nothing the Mother Superior, an old carpet bag and a new adventure can’t fix.

Somewhere along the way I started to tell myself some lies about who I am. It’s so easy to do really, sometimes all it takes is one crappy experience as a kid or a particular placement in your family, a situation you find yourself in, just one little thing that you allow to sneak into your heart. Once you start to believe and invest in these untruths, they become bigger and hard to shake. We often struggle, endure, grieve, create space, make peace and embrace whole parts of ourselves that were never true in the first place.

This makes climbing mountains and forging streams feel damn near impossible. You forget that dreams exist, or they feel a million miles away. Sometimes the only way to rediscover who you are is to leave everything else behind, or start to peel away one layer at a time until you can see again. This requires it’s own sort of endurance, it’s own new space, it’s own struggle in the adventure.

So my truth is coming to the surface, the light is bright and hopeful but what do I do with all the lies? They are gone from my head but they hide in my heart. This my friends, is when you claim the battlecry…and you listen on repeat, on repeat, on repeat.

You call the Mother Superior in desperation for her to remind you of your own truth, you retreat to the abbey when you feel low, the sisters dismantle cars so the lies can’t follow you, and you sing Despite What you SEE, I have Confidence in ME!!! until your heart has no choice but to own and follow…

It tells me all I trust I lead my heart to
All I trust becomes my own
I have confidence in confidence alone
(Oh help!)

I have confidence in confidence alone
Besides which you see I have confidence in me!

Can you believe it’s available in a ringtone and my phone won’t support it? It’s a tragedy!

May your battlecry be all around today, may the Mother Superiors and sisters be plentiful, may your truth lead you…

This is how you tell your husband you are pregnant with your FOURTH child:

First, you stop on the way to a friend’s house to buy a pregnancy test which you then sneak into her bathroom. You can’t possibly wait until you get home to take it. Truth be told, you knew you were pregnant when you brushed your teeth that morning. The very second the toothpaste hit your mouth. “Awww, hell, I am definitely pregnant” was my exact inner dialogue.

You then text your husband from her bathroom:

Me: Hey, took a test. I’m pregnant.

Him: WOW!

Me: I know right? are you okay?

Him: yeah, i’m good. you okay?

Me: yeah, love you…catch ya later?

Him: love you too. sounds good. bye!

You then proceed with your lovely breakfast with said friends while in awe of yourself that you can actually keep your own secret.

Your husband laughs for a week. “A little baby? Can you believe that? It’s awesome.” with goofy grin and head shake.

You realize you have to do something about this man because he could have 10,000 babies, his biological clock will never stop ticking. It is the same thing you secretly love about him because while you never had any conversations to have any your children, you know the words were never necessary. For all your big talk about being DONE, there was a tiny part of your heart that couldn’t find total peace, he knew. But can the record show- there is NOW plenty of peace, a big ole’ pile a mile high, peace everywhere I turn, full, complete, done…

The kids were delirious…

Josiah: (shaking his head) I did not see this coming. It’s very exciting, has papa heard about this?

Jack: (squeals, in a muppet voice) Oh my gosh, oh my gosh…if we have a boy baby there will be 4 BOYS and only 2 girls!

Lucy: in her own world entirely…

So now I battle the ick- the morning sickness I have never had before- the kind that is constant and doesn’t go away. I have a new level of sympathy for all pregnant women. And please do not allow your mind to think it could possibly be twins, I’m choosing to go with the- your older, this is your 4th- explanation.

peace to all!!!

Kindness invaded Carytown and other stops around Richmond yesterday. Courtesy and in honor of a dear friend who passed away 2 years ago. I sometimes believe this girl might have packed a whole lifetime of living in 25 short years, and then I start to imagine what her next 60 could have been. She gave me the honor of walking the journey to her death, which was really when we became friends. So every birthday, and the day of her passing I do something I think she would have totally dug, things I wish we could have done together…

So this anniversary it was Starbucks love, my girl LOVED some starbucks. Even worked there for a stint.

I knew we had to spread some coffee/tea love…We (my whole crew) decided to jump in the car and leave gift cards all over the city. We left them on bus benches, the mirror at World of Mirth (josiah’s idea), public bathrooms, one of her favorite books at the bookstore, parks, telephone polls…etc. It was totally exhilarating as guerrillaness always is, we drove around like crazy seeing if we could catch someone looking or taking.

If you are feeling the kindness and coffee love this morning, pick up a card (we did $5 cards) and leave it in a public place with a note of who or what you are honoring today…maybe the finder will do the same.

this act was only possible because of some love to me from the Mother Superior (anne) and the other sisters but that is an entirely different post coming soon…

Heely’s bought us a ticket to the local patient first for our first broken arm.

Josiah didn’t actually lose in the whole deal. It was a very minor fracture, but he still got a cast/splint and sling for showing off.  Not to mention a cool sports related injury story.

BUT…..

Love won by a long shot- Last night before bed I said to the kids, “Quick, raise your hand if you miss papa.”

Me- one hand raised (as fast as i could)

Josiah -one hand up

Lucy- one hand up

Jack- both hands up waving wildly

I was so jealous I didn’t think of it because it’s exactly how I feel.

guerrilla kindness project- part duex

Whenever I think about Guerrilla Kindness, I immediately see a guy dressed in a cheesy gorilla suit handing out hearts, big red ones. I know, so silly- guerrilla/gorilla. I’ve thought about this so much that I’ve actually considered having the gorilla be the mascot for random kindness. I see little pencil line drawings of him hanging with one arm tightly around the Empire State Building while the other arm is full of hearts. Lord only knows what happens to the little blond Marilyn looking woman in all this.

Seriously though, today is the day. The day when I start my wonderful work of unveiling carefully hatched plans of spreading anonymous kindness in the world….except that, today is not the day. Partly because the little idea in my head just got bigger. Not Kong sized exactly, but big enough that I need more money and more time (both of which I am struggling to find at the moment). And to be perfectly honest, my heart and head are just not in the right frame of mind yet. What I’m learning is there is no need to rush. I just have to be. I believe it’s coming, everyday that I struggle it becomes a little clearer.

Thankfully, there are others who are much more together than I and are doing some lovely work in the world. If you are jonesin’ for a kindness high you will LOVE these people:

Hope Revolution - Krystyn had a really hopeful idea to spread kindness in unexpected places after a particularly sad day .

The idea caught on and a hope/kindness revolution was born. Check out the flickr pool.

Claudia at Everyday Kindness is doing big work in the blogosphere, it all started with her own personal commitment to do an act of kindness everyday. She started inviting friends to join her and this kindness maven discovered that a whole slew wanted to follow her.

Then the big dog- Emma over at ActsofKindness will pretty much make you swoon…her art…well, just check it out…

Happy Randoms Acts of Kindness Week!

I hope love finds you this Valentine’s Day…

whatever kind or brand you need

may it be bold and hit you over the head if required

may it be direct and practical if that is your native tongue

may it be flowery and ridiculous

may it be true and deep felt

may it be kind…

Shihan ( This type love ) - Def Poetry Jam

i know this love….

if you hold my hand, i can do it by myself.

a quote from a very wise 3 year old

Thanks Anne for your words (a hand) this morning…

our girl at age one

She is undeniably and unregrettably two. Her days are spent sauntering in princess high heels. She walks, sometimes even runs, with such ease. The heels being a grandparent gift of course, the tackier and princessier, the better. They are 2 sizes too big and 2 inches too tall.

Her charm and deep brown eyes render the men (and women) around her virtually powerless. Delight and joy follow her almost every where she goes. She radiates and expresses her love and gratefulness. It is self-confidence and independence combined with a sweet spirit that make her so alluring, it is this magic I study.

Puppies, dora, chocolate and long baths are her top priorities. If you suggest she is not allowed to have any one of these things, she responds in her best Scarlet O’Hara, “but WWWWHHHHYYYYY mama, why?” which is followed by an actual boo-hoo and huge quivering lower lip.

I am forever amazed by the patience the men in her life have with the occasional drama her development requires at this stage in her life.

I foolishly let Lucy and Jack play with a box full of packing peanuts yesterday. This childhood bliss covered the entire floor of our living room. Jack jumped right in with clean up efforts while Lucy couldn’t be bothered. After several invitations, strong suggesting, demanding, and mild yelling, she still had no intention of cleaning. My frustration lead to planting her firmly on the step followed by a speech about participating in a family that helps each other. I tell her that besides cleaning , she absolutely must apologize to Jackie for doing all her work. She immediately started wailing.

Jack calmly walked over and sat beside her.

“Lucy, I know you have a lot of love in your heart. It’s okay.” this is the boy who can always see the truest part of you. he pats her back…

she continues to bawl…

“Mom, I think she is ready to apologize to you.” he looks at Lucy, who obviously is not ready to apologize to anyone.

“Can I apologize for Lucy mom?”

I thank Jack for his kindness and politely refuse.

“I sorry Jackie.” she says quietly. She picks up one peanut.

“Mom, Lucy is trying to make amends.” he points out.

“Okay, I make a-mess.” she agrees. “I sorry mama.”

“I think we need a group hug.” Jack suggests.

“Thanks Jackie.” she says.

a guerilla kindness project coming 2.14.08…are ya in?

It was a cold winter morning, I could see my breath as I walked towards the local coffee shop. I pushed open the door to a warm rush and the clanging of the bell that hit the door letting the coffee girl know I had arrived. She was in a grouchy mood this morning, my cheerfulness didn’t help either. I didn’t really care as I was too excited about the chai latte she was handing me.

I sat down intending to write about Charles and the stranger experience of my life that happened only a week earlier in the very same spot but I got distracted. There was a woman sitting in front of me, she was very beautiful, the kind of beauty that causes you to look again and longer the second time.

It was her face that told her story so clearly. Her eyes held a deep sadness that acted like a window to her soul. Her partner sat beside her with a baby in his lap, the baby was equally as lovely but with a newness of hope.

I’m not sure why but I began to pray for her, I haven’t prayed in so long: …bring the light to the surface so she can see it today God, relieve her grief and help her to see the truth that lies before her. Send her hope, send her peace, help her to take it deep into her heart…

It took everything in me to not grab her hand and say, “It’s going to be okay…”. I sat thinking how crazy the whole exchange in my head was. How quickly people come and go, even strangers, and yet we are connecting if only for a minute. There is often no need to even speak. Why is it that in this little coffee shop it happens almost every time?
Some places are sacred and they don’t seem to know it. The couches are like pews where you kneel before a great altar (the altar in this case being the coffee table) to lay your burdens down. The communion is a bagel or brownie dipped in a simple cup of joe. You taste and see that the divine understands our brokenness.

I decided it really isn’t even about the couches, the table or the coffee, there is an invitation that resides in the walls. It is one to release the things inside that ail your soul or offer words of wisdom to another, maybe even a stranger. It’s the magic of holy places, and the truth that in the end, there are no strangers.

I was patient, even though I was tortured. I reminded myself that all blogs are born at exactly the right moment. Remember?

So I’m actually giddy to announce we can now all hear the lady in her head 
The universe  and now the blogosphere will be blessed with her presence. I’m so glad she decided not to hold out on us a second longer.

May this be just the beginning of many writing adventures, may your goodness and truth touch all who cross your path, may you claim the joy that is intended for you, may you feel deeply loved and whole…

please remind me in 10 years about these conversations with Jack:

I made a lovely cheesecake for Jack’s birthday the other day, only it was like 2 weeks late.

Me: I’m so sorry Jackie-boy  it took me so long to make your birthday cake.

Jack: It’s okay mom.

Josiah: Mom, you said you were gonna make it and you did.

Me: Thanks guys…

Jack: We always forgive mom.

Our 5 year old neighbor came in singing “We’re not gonna take it…”. There’s nothin’ like a little Twisted Sister on a Wednesday afternoon.  I started singing as we were making cookies together.

Jack: What is that song about?

Me: I think it’s about some kids that got sick of their parents. They just couldn’t take it anymore. Do you think that could ever happen to us?

Jack: No, we’re a team mom.

Bedtime:

He was weepy before bedtime because he couldn’t find the birthday card my mom and dad sent him. He had it tucked in between the grate and the mattress of the upper bunk. The treasured card replaced an old dream catcher we made together he had hanging in that spot. He said he didn’t need it anymore because the card meant his marmie and opa were close.

This child *sigh*….

I’ve been making a lot of assumptions about kindness lately. Like who should be her friends, who should tell her stories and how she should live her life. I’ve been trying to give her an out in our friendship, deciding there is someone better for her. She will hear none of this, her mother gentleness told her to hang in there quietly with me and I would eventually see the light.

I’ve been noticing new things, things I haven’t seen before about her, about myself. The word revolution has been following her around lately. I like this because it means people are starting to believe in her power. I’m not sure she is your typical revolution though. Maybe she is the quiet kind.

She’s always there, but sometimes you have to look for her, she can hide in unexpected places or be right in front of your nose.  You can take her or give her, she’s available to all and endless. Her acts can be small but have great impact. Sometimes she shouts from the rooftops and other times she is only a faint whisper in your ear. She finds the best places in your soul and shines them brightly. She isn’t flashy or showy, she is simple and pure. She’s happiest when you are just yourself. She lends freedom and hope.  She can not be controlled, she just is.

I’m glad she will never give up on me. I hold her close and yet have never been happier to give her away.

inspired by these cool people…

highs:

1. reveling in a new writing project with a great partner while drinking the best chai latte of my life

2. meeting a complete stranger who listens to your personal crisis of the moment and asks the question, “so what are you going to do, are ya gonna step up or step aside?”

3. snow- even if it doesn’t stick. lucy’s delight is enough…

lows:

1. a dear friend experiencing deep grief in her heart.

2. feeling exhausted from trying to sort out my entire life in a day

3. one late nap which means a late bedtime for a busy little girl

highs and lows anyone else?